Friday, April 01, 2011

Are We Prepared For an Alien Invasion?

With NASA and other groups continually searching for intelligent life, humanity has rarely seriously turned is attention to a very important question:

What would happen if intelligent life found us first? What would happen if it were hostile? There are, of course, a variety of scenarios on the issue, but there are basically two:

The first is that of a hostile alien invader that is simply too powerful for humanity to repel. The alternative is that of an alien invader that humanity can just barely confront.

Of course, this is an issue that can't be ignored indefinitely. Someday humanity will have to consider precisely how it will address these kinds of threats.

In the scenario presented in Battle: LA, the solution is very simple: guns. Lots of guns, and people who know how to use them. In the film, alien invaders seize the major cities of the world, and indiscriminately kill everyone they see. Defenseless humans die by the thousands.

Imagine them doing that in a state like Arizona or Nevada. Both states have open carry laws, meaning that citizens with the proper licences can carry their firearms. Or in states like Montana, where countless militias are not only well-armed, but well-trained.

Certainly, it helps to have masses of supremely-competent and courageous marines to turn back the tide. But when an alien hell-bent on annhiliating the human race sees you as something standing between it and your stockpiles of cheesy poofs, you don't want to have to wait around for the 82nd airborne. No, what you need is an AK-47 aimed squarely at ET's head.

There is, of course, the other scenario: one in which the alien invaders cannot be overpowered by conventional arms.

The government can prepare us for that, too: by criss-crossing the skies with planes emitting a specialized biological weapon -- one harmless to humans but that would be deadly to other forms of life -- could effectively innoculate the planet against habitability for extraterrestrials (and possibly Kimodo Dragons, which are fucking evil anyway).

That was, when aliens come looking for human brains to power their drones, as in Skyline, they'll be the ones dropping like flies.

The other solution to prevent this kind of scenario is to make human brains entirely unsuitable to any kind of practical use. This means we must begin slashing education funding immediately, and that everyone between the ages of seven and thirteen should immediately be forced to read Enormous Thriving Plants and Sister Sage's Musings on a daily basis. This should be enough to reduce the human brain to hate-filled mush, and make it undesirable to any brain-craving alien race that may happen to wander by our corner of the cosmos.

Last but not least, Canadians need to figure out a way to make Paul Hellyer -- Lester Pearson's former Minister of Defence -- the Prime Minister of Canada. Hellyer has been spreading the news about UFOs for decades, and if anyone knows how to confront a hostile alien force, it's him.

It's a very simple issue: extraterrestrial invaders are the ultimate illegal alien. Whether we care to consider it or not, a border fence will not keep those illegal aliens out... possibly unless we electrify the shit out of that fence.

Quite naturally, April fool's. As a side note, no one should ever watch Skyline. It is quite literally the worst thing to ever exist, although ETP & SSM aren't far off.

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