What the Fuck!? Files Vol. 8: Who Wants to Vacation in Libya Anyway?

And Moammar Gadhafi wonders why he rides the international short bus

After Moammar Gadhafi almost got sat in the corner on his way back from humiliating himself at the United Nations, Gadhafi has decided that, doggone it, Canadians just aren't welcome in Libya.

So there.

It wasn't enough that Gadhafi ran away from a well-deserved dressing-down over the hero's welcome he organized for Abdelbaset al-Megrahi, one of the men responsible for the Lockerbie bombing, apparently he's now telling Canadians that they aren't welcome in his sandbox.

"We are aware of the difficulties experienced by a few Canadian citizens interested in visiting Libya," said a spokesperson for Foreign Affairs Minister Lawrence Cannon. "Minister Cannon was in Libya last week where the issue was discussed. We are working towards a positive resolution of the matter."

Of course, any proper-thinking Canadian is wondering to themselves right now: precisely what is the fucking problem?

If we really want a positive resolution to this particular matter, it's as simple as this: tell Moammar Gadhafi to go kill himself and die slow.

Jesus Christ. This is a guy who wasn't welcome in New Jersey, of all fucking places.

The What the Fuck!? Files Vol. 7: Keith Olbermann Rips Me Off

Keith Olbermann recently debuted a regular segment on his show that seems to suggest that Olbermann may be a Nexus reader.

In a segment entitled the WTF!?! Moment -- which seems very similar to the Nexus' What the Fuck!? Files -- Olbermann takes some time out to complain about Carrie Prejean's recent complaints that her freedom of speech had been violated.

Olbermann rightly notes that the United States Bill of Rights, as entrenched in the United States Constitution via Ten Amendments, only provides decisive protection from governmental oppression of free speech.

Olbermann continues to argue that her employer could deny her the right to freedom of speech, noting that his own employer, CNBC, could deny him freedom of speech. As such, nothing Prejean said about same-sex marriage is actually subject to protection.

But Olbermann's argument fails on two key tenets.

First, Prejean made her comments in the course of a question asked by Perez Hilton, a question she was obligated to answer as part of the contest she was participating in. Olbermann's employer may be justified in taking him off the air if, indeed, he made comments that were deemed outside the realm of professionalism.

But the matter would be very different if Olbermann's producer asked him a question about a political issue and was given a question they decided they didn't like.

Second, Constitutional convention has treated the First Amendment very differently from the manner in which Olbermann describes it. There are countless cases of individuals suing for retaliation against them after the exercise of their free speech.

Amusingly, if asked, Olbermann would likely describe himself as a progressive, or at least as a liberal.

Yet Olbermann's depiction of freedom of expression as applicable to Prejean puts him distinctly at odds with the kind of free environment that is needed for liberal pluralism to survive. Robert B Talisse has noted that in order for liberalism to be truly viable, more is needed than simply legal protection of free speech. Rather, a culture of free speech -- in which public deliberation on matters of import, such as same-sex marriage -- is actively encouraged of people regardless of whatever opinion they may hold on the topic.

If Prejean were someone being censured for supporting same-sex marriage one can fully expect that Olbermann would react very differently to her plight. This is the base hypocrisy at the core of Olbermann's stance on this particular matter.

One should expect better from someone who is supposed to be a respected journalist, but Olbermann strays from the ill-conceived directly to the comical.

In addressing the recent "scandalous" photos of Prejean, Olbermann insists that the photos couldn't have been taken without Prejean's authorization because she's looking at the camera in each photo. Except, she isn't. In one of the photos -- the one with the clearly visible pre-implant breast -- Prejean is very clearly looking away from the camera.

She even has her hands up as if she's been adjusting her hair, for fuck's sake! For fuck's sake, Keith!

In the other photo, the exposure of the nipple is actually so slight that it's clearly more attributable to a Janet Jackson-esque "wardrobe malfunction" than to any willingness on Prejean's behalf to submit to a risque photo.

The utterly comical thing about that aspect of the entire affair is that very few people honestly consider the finished product of these photo shoots to be scandalous or risque. Aside from those milking these photos out of political motivations, one would have to travel to the most conservative depths of the Bible belt in order to find someone who would find them scandalous.

But it's amazing the extent to which Olbermann is willing to mortgage his journalistic credibility -- then default -- in order to contribute to the personal destruction of Carrie Prejean.

It's really the kind of thing that makes a person scratch their head and say "what the fuck" -- and we were doing that here first.

The What the Fuck!? Files Vol.6: Riot Against Police Brutality

Montrealers certainly have a knack for protesting effectively.

200 protesters were arrested in an annual event in Montreal protesting police brutality which has routinely ended in bouts of vandalism.

According to CTV, video of the event has surfaced showing Montreal police tear gassing protesters who were throwing rocks and bricks at local stores.

Which is really the best way to protest police brutality: by acting like goonish dipshits and forcing police to use force to avert acts of vandalism.

The What the Fuck!? Files Vol. 5: Kill Whitey

Racist and wrong -- it's a perfect combination

One bets that any non-retards attending Carlton University are wishing the Carleton University Students Association allowed for the recall of councilors.

The What the Fuck!? Files Vol. 4: Elmo Knows Where You Live

Tickle Me Elmo becomes Murder You Elmo

Parents of small children will probably never look at Sesame Street's cuddly and playful Elmo character quite the same way again.

In an apparent glitch in the toy, a Florida family discovered that changing the batteries in an Elmo doll that learns its owner's name can turn rather sinister.

"It's not something that really you would think would ever come out of a toy," said Melissa Bowman. "But once I heard, I was just kind of distraught."

It seems like the kind of glitch that would slip through the testing process at Fischer Price -- probably the last one anyone could ever expect. Really, the kind of thing that just makes one scratch their head and say "what the fuck!?"

Then again, such behaviour could have its upside:

The What the Fuck!? Files Vol. 3 - What Some People Are Teaching Their Kids

Disgusting

Sargeant Jonathon Menjivar died in Iraq.

Oh, wait. No he didn't.

These are the revelations that have come out of a sad, sad episode in Texas wherein a six-year-old girl won four tickets to go see Hannah Montana by telling contest organizers her father was killed in Iraq.

"My daddy died this year in Iraq," her winning essay begins.

But there were two problems: first off, the US Department of Defense has no record of a Sgt Menjivar being killed in Iraq. Secondly, it sounds like a made-up name.

Now, one might think that, having been busted, the little girl's mother would be ready to dole out some discipline. Guess again. She was involved.

One might think she might be a little apologetic, at least in public.

Guess again.

"We did the essay and that's what we did to win," said Priscilla Ceballos, the little girl's mother. "We did whatever we could do to win."

This, apparently, is what some people are teaching their children.

Disgusting.

What the Fuck!? Files vol. 3 - Jelly Beans Apparently Integral to Canadian Sovereignty

Yes, you read that right: fucking jelly beans

Apparently, the domestic-politics-starved media have jumped on an offhand comment about Jelly Beans as some sort of political story.

Apparently, one of the great revelations of the Montebello summit regarding the Security and Prosperity Partnership was that Canadian and American jelly bean makers have to meet two different sets of regulations regarding jelly bean ingredients. Apparently, the rest of us are supposed to suddenly give a flying fuck.

Apparently, there may be a need to standardize jelly beans, and some people seem to be very concerned about that.

“'Is the sovereignty of Canada going to fall apart if we standardize the jelly bean?” Prime Minister Stephen Harper mused. “You know, I don't think so.”

No. Shit.

It’s at times like this that one doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry at what often passes for political concerns vis a vis national sovereignty.

It’s not exactly as if jelly beans are an integral issue to national security. At best they’re a tasty, sugary, unhealthy, and delightfully addictive snack.

So if we need to standardize jelly beans (and one would think the word “need” would fall under very loose operation in this sentence), put your Nikes on and just do it.

At least the good people who make Jelly Bellies will be pleased to know we may be moving toward narrowing the jelly bean gap with fucking Candyland.

What the Fuck!? Files Vol.2 - American Defence Contractors Apparently Retarded

American Defense Contractors Watching Too Many Bad Bond Flicks

In the most recent event in the chronicle of US security-inspired lunacy, it has been revealed that Canadian quarters are not outfitted as espionage devices.

In other words -- Canada is not spying on the US.

Duh.

The story revolves around quarters released by the Canadian mint in 2004, with a coloured poppy in the center, to commemorate Remembrance Day. After discovering the coins in their pockets after a trip to Canada (quelle suprise!), the military contractors in question resorted to examining the quarters under a high-powered microscope, after deciding the coin's centre looked like it might be some sort of nano-technology.

You read it here: a nano-technology gap has emerged between the United States and Canada. In case of a Borg attack, the United States will be right royally fucked.

In 2004, the mind produced 30 million of these coins. In the eyes of paranoid military contractors, that's 30 million nanite coins just waiting to be smuggled into Area 51 -- or something.

But Cindy McGovern, a spokesperson for the Defence Security Service, has the whole matter cased. "We know where we made the mistake. The information wasn't properly vetted. While these coins aroused suspicion, there ultimately was nothing there."

No shit, sherlock.

But this isn't an isolated case of security-inspired lunacy in the United States. In February, LED signs promoting Turner Broadcasting's Aqua Teen Hunger Force were somehow mistaken for bombs. (Apparently, whoever reported the devices weren't Adult Swim watchers).

So, this is clearly a case for the "What the fuck!?" files. While the Department of Homeland security keeps cranking up the terror-alert warning over potential attacks from Osama bin Laden, Americans are shitting their collective pants over Igningot, Err and Canadian Quarters.

What the fuck...

What the Fuck!? Files Vol.1 -- Men Fail to Support Breast Cancer Research

Honestly, guys: Let’s not be douchebags

Life is a funny thing.

OK. Maybe that’s an under-exaggeration. Life is fucked up. We live in a world where virtually every day, something occurs, or we encounter something that can elicit one and only one response.

What the fuck!?

For those moments, we (okay, I – but hopefully, just for now ) at the Nexus of Assholery are proud to announce yet another new addition to the Nexus: the “What the Fuck !?” Files.


The inaugural entry – of what will certainly be many entries – into the “What the Fuck!?” Files was uncovered while attending a recent screening of Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, a film that itself could constitute an entry into the “What the Fuck!?” Files.

While buying concessions prior to the film, I was offered the opportunity to purchase a $2 button (okay, they kicked in a $10 coupon for Coles Books and Chapters, so I actually profited $8 from the transaction).

The cashier remarked that not very men had bought the buttons.

Did I mention the $2 paid for the button benefits breast cancer research?
Oddly, many men aren’t supporting breast cancer research. Which, frankly, strikes me as odd.

Because there are so many reasons for men to support breast cancer research. Six billion reasons. Six billion excellent reasons.

Women, you see have breasts. Men tend to like women (okay, not all men, but that’s another story for another time), but these men also tend to like breasts. There are approximately three billion women on the planet, and so, approximately six billion breasts.

So, it then seems odd that men would not support breast cancer research, given that breast cancer research tends to support breasts.

You know, tits . Boobs . Jubblies. Fun bags. Happy pillows.

I think I’ve pretty much made my point. Guys, support breasts. Support breast cancer research.

For Christ’s sake, guys. Buy some fucking buttons.