Showing posts with label General Stupidity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label General Stupidity. Show all posts
Saturday, April 17, 2010
The Stupid Future
In the Dilbert Future, Scott Adams mused about whether or not stupidity would increase endemically in the 21st century, and wondered how smart people might be able to profit from it.
In Dogbert-esque fashion, the book simply suggests that the savvy business people of tomorrow will find ways by not only exploiting, but facilitating and actually encouraging the stupidity of others.
It isn't at all outside the realm of imagination that we already see this in the modern economy.
Consider, for example, the advent of KFC's Double Down, a product that fortunately will not be available in Canada -- at least for the time being.
With the prevalence of obesity-induced heart disease in American society, one would imagine that a food item that is essentially two pieces of deep-fried chicken with cheese and bacon sandwiched in between it.
One would have had to imagine that the Baconator was bad enough. But the Double Down presents an entire new level of culinary stupidity that one has to simply shake their head in amusement.
It seems like the Double Down might be worth trying once. But no wise businessperson would dare introduce a mass-consumption product that the customer only tries once. Rather, they're banking on repeat customers for this item, and a lot of them.
So the question lingers: in a country where one of the leading causes of death is heart disease, how many people will give into stupidity enough to make the Double Down a regulat feature of their dining experience?
In Dogbert-esque fashion, the executives at KFC have clearly banked on that stupidity. It may well be dominant business model of the future -- it's already become so prevalent today.
As with all things stupidity-related, the answer may will disappoint humanity.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
The What the Fuck!? Files Vol. 5: Kill Whitey
Racist and wrong -- it's a perfect combination
One bets that any non-retards attending Carlton University are wishing the Carleton University Students Association allowed for the recall of councilors.
One bets that any non-retards attending Carlton University are wishing the Carleton University Students Association allowed for the recall of councilors.
Friday, July 04, 2008
Morgentaler Debate Continues Its Downward Spiral
Very little rational thought at the core of Order of Canada conflaguration
Ever since it was announced that Dr Henry Morgentaler would be named to the Order of Canada, the abortion debate in Canada has taken a rather distinct turn for the stupid.
Various newspaper editorials condemned the appointment as "divisive".
Various bloggers defend the appointment based on the previous appointment of Conrad Black (who, just for the record, should be stripped of the Order of Canada, just as it was stripped from Alan Eagleson).
Of course, some of the most insipid comments have been made by ideologues such as Mississauga Ontario's Ric East who insisted that men have no right to voice their opinions about abortion, worth noting here as an example:
Mr East, however, may want to compare notes with Port Coquitlam BC's A.D. Wilson who can speak otherwise from personal experience:
The Order of Canada may mean a lot when awarded under the right circumstances, but in most cases, when awarded, it's just another shiny bauble. Charles Aznavour -- a name likely alien to the vast majority of Canadians -- will recieve the Order of Canada next week.
And while various Canadians will certainly try to hold up Morgentaler's Order of Canada as evidence of Canada-wide support for their particular agenda vis a vis abortion, and other Canadians will deride it as a travesty, in the grand scheme of things, it actually means very little.
Time for the silliness to end.
Ever since it was announced that Dr Henry Morgentaler would be named to the Order of Canada, the abortion debate in Canada has taken a rather distinct turn for the stupid.
Various newspaper editorials condemned the appointment as "divisive".
Various bloggers defend the appointment based on the previous appointment of Conrad Black (who, just for the record, should be stripped of the Order of Canada, just as it was stripped from Alan Eagleson).
Of course, some of the most insipid comments have been made by ideologues such as Mississauga Ontario's Ric East who insisted that men have no right to voice their opinions about abortion, worth noting here as an example:
"It was interesting to note that most of those letter-writers opposing the idea of Dr. Henry Morgentaler receiving an Order of Canada are males. Their comments have no relevance as they do not have the bodies to produce children and therefore they have no say in this issue."In other words, if you have a penis, you have no right to hold an opinion on the issue, because it couldn't possibly affect you.
Mr East, however, may want to compare notes with Port Coquitlam BC's A.D. Wilson who can speak otherwise from personal experience:
"I'm a dad that signed a teenage abortion application during the heat of this debate. And quite frankly, that experience wasn't a milestone in my life. I'm far from a Christian, absorbed in the daily routine of keeping kith and kin whole and being a well-meaning and diligent provider. Notwithstanding, losing a grandchild was hurtful to me. I don't wish the decision on anyone. Life is precious and expedient choices hurt even the most prudent. Barbara Kay certainly has opened a wound and the debate to me is far from closed. I'm certainly not pro-choice but some decisions can really cripple."But at the end of the day, the entire matter is all pure silliness.
The Order of Canada may mean a lot when awarded under the right circumstances, but in most cases, when awarded, it's just another shiny bauble. Charles Aznavour -- a name likely alien to the vast majority of Canadians -- will recieve the Order of Canada next week.
And while various Canadians will certainly try to hold up Morgentaler's Order of Canada as evidence of Canada-wide support for their particular agenda vis a vis abortion, and other Canadians will deride it as a travesty, in the grand scheme of things, it actually means very little.
Time for the silliness to end.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Lowballing Themselves Into Irrelevance
Hockey theme debacle demonstrates futility of CBC
In a surprising turn of events yesterday, it was announced that, in the midst of a last-minute push by the CBC to secure the rights to the Hockey Night in Canada theme song, CTV swept in and ferried the iconic tune away in perpetuity.
The song will now be used for TSN's expanded coverage of the NHL.
Of course, the move doesn't come without some degree of controversy -- no matter how manufactured.
"The two sides were so far apart and there was so much bad blood that we knew a deal would be difficult," insisted CBC Sports Director Scott Moore. "The reality is it takes two sides to do a deal and we tried everything we could to do a deal. We offered arbitration, mediation — we offered to meet their price. On Friday, when it came right down to it, we never got a response from them on our latest offer and find out, in the meantime, they appeared to be negotiating with CTV."
Of course, Moore's claims defy credulity. If the CBC had really offered to meet the price being asked by Copyright Music & Visuals on Dolores Clayman's behalf they would have had what people with any kind of business background whatsoever refer to as a "deal".
Instead, "the Hockey Theme" has found a new home on CTV, and egg has found a new home, too -- on the CBC's face.
Of course, the entire debacle really only serves to underscore various difficulties the CBC has had over the last few years, and the most difficult is continuing to justify its own existence in an environment in which it's becoming harder to justify.
Part of the CBC's mandate is to preserve Candian culture and identity by producing and promoting Canadian programming and keeping various broadcasting traditions alive.
Yet when it comes time to pony up some dough to maintain an iconic Canadian tradition -- the opening of Hockey Night in Canada with a song that has become one of Canada's greatest cultural touchstones -- the CBC lowballed itself into an extremely embarrassing situation where, instead, a rival network has become the steward of this cultural icon, established under the Mothercorp.
Not to mention an even more embarrassing situation in which the CBC was profiting off downloads and ringtones of the song without giving a portion to Clayman.
Public broadcasting in Canada is quickly approaching a crisis point -- one that it seems ill-equipped to handle. It has various important roles in Canadian society, and yet continues to undermine both.
The maintenance of Canadian culture is one.
Another is broadcasting into remote regions of the country and providing the residents of such areas with news and information about the outside a world -- a role that is drastically harmed by the numerous journalistic scandals that have enveloped the CBC over the past couple of years.
A large-scale overhaul is needed at the CBC, and the window of opportunity to do it is beginning to close.
In a surprising turn of events yesterday, it was announced that, in the midst of a last-minute push by the CBC to secure the rights to the Hockey Night in Canada theme song, CTV swept in and ferried the iconic tune away in perpetuity.
The song will now be used for TSN's expanded coverage of the NHL.
Of course, the move doesn't come without some degree of controversy -- no matter how manufactured.
"The two sides were so far apart and there was so much bad blood that we knew a deal would be difficult," insisted CBC Sports Director Scott Moore. "The reality is it takes two sides to do a deal and we tried everything we could to do a deal. We offered arbitration, mediation — we offered to meet their price. On Friday, when it came right down to it, we never got a response from them on our latest offer and find out, in the meantime, they appeared to be negotiating with CTV."
Of course, Moore's claims defy credulity. If the CBC had really offered to meet the price being asked by Copyright Music & Visuals on Dolores Clayman's behalf they would have had what people with any kind of business background whatsoever refer to as a "deal".
Instead, "the Hockey Theme" has found a new home on CTV, and egg has found a new home, too -- on the CBC's face.
Of course, the entire debacle really only serves to underscore various difficulties the CBC has had over the last few years, and the most difficult is continuing to justify its own existence in an environment in which it's becoming harder to justify.
Part of the CBC's mandate is to preserve Candian culture and identity by producing and promoting Canadian programming and keeping various broadcasting traditions alive.
Yet when it comes time to pony up some dough to maintain an iconic Canadian tradition -- the opening of Hockey Night in Canada with a song that has become one of Canada's greatest cultural touchstones -- the CBC lowballed itself into an extremely embarrassing situation where, instead, a rival network has become the steward of this cultural icon, established under the Mothercorp.
Not to mention an even more embarrassing situation in which the CBC was profiting off downloads and ringtones of the song without giving a portion to Clayman.
Public broadcasting in Canada is quickly approaching a crisis point -- one that it seems ill-equipped to handle. It has various important roles in Canadian society, and yet continues to undermine both.
The maintenance of Canadian culture is one.
Another is broadcasting into remote regions of the country and providing the residents of such areas with news and information about the outside a world -- a role that is drastically harmed by the numerous journalistic scandals that have enveloped the CBC over the past couple of years.
A large-scale overhaul is needed at the CBC, and the window of opportunity to do it is beginning to close.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
The What the Fuck!? Files Vol. 4: Elmo Knows Where You Live
Tickle Me Elmo becomes Murder You Elmo
Parents of small children will probably never look at Sesame Street's cuddly and playful Elmo character quite the same way again.
In an apparent glitch in the toy, a Florida family discovered that changing the batteries in an Elmo doll that learns its owner's name can turn rather sinister.
"It's not something that really you would think would ever come out of a toy," said Melissa Bowman. "But once I heard, I was just kind of distraught."
It seems like the kind of glitch that would slip through the testing process at Fischer Price -- probably the last one anyone could ever expect. Really, the kind of thing that just makes one scratch their head and say "what the fuck!?"
Then again, such behaviour could have its upside:
Parents of small children will probably never look at Sesame Street's cuddly and playful Elmo character quite the same way again.
In an apparent glitch in the toy, a Florida family discovered that changing the batteries in an Elmo doll that learns its owner's name can turn rather sinister.
"It's not something that really you would think would ever come out of a toy," said Melissa Bowman. "But once I heard, I was just kind of distraught."
It seems like the kind of glitch that would slip through the testing process at Fischer Price -- probably the last one anyone could ever expect. Really, the kind of thing that just makes one scratch their head and say "what the fuck!?"
Then again, such behaviour could have its upside:
Saturday, December 29, 2007
The What the Fuck!? Files Vol. 3 - What Some People Are Teaching Their Kids
Disgusting
Sargeant Jonathon Menjivar died in Iraq.
Oh, wait. No he didn't.
These are the revelations that have come out of a sad, sad episode in Texas wherein a six-year-old girl won four tickets to go see Hannah Montana by telling contest organizers her father was killed in Iraq.
"My daddy died this year in Iraq," her winning essay begins.
But there were two problems: first off, the US Department of Defense has no record of a Sgt Menjivar being killed in Iraq. Secondly, it sounds like a made-up name.
Now, one might think that, having been busted, the little girl's mother would be ready to dole out some discipline. Guess again. She was involved.
One might think she might be a little apologetic, at least in public.
Guess again.
"We did the essay and that's what we did to win," said Priscilla Ceballos, the little girl's mother. "We did whatever we could do to win."
This, apparently, is what some people are teaching their children.
Disgusting.
Sargeant Jonathon Menjivar died in Iraq.
Oh, wait. No he didn't.
These are the revelations that have come out of a sad, sad episode in Texas wherein a six-year-old girl won four tickets to go see Hannah Montana by telling contest organizers her father was killed in Iraq.
"My daddy died this year in Iraq," her winning essay begins.
But there were two problems: first off, the US Department of Defense has no record of a Sgt Menjivar being killed in Iraq. Secondly, it sounds like a made-up name.
Now, one might think that, having been busted, the little girl's mother would be ready to dole out some discipline. Guess again. She was involved.
One might think she might be a little apologetic, at least in public.
Guess again.
"We did the essay and that's what we did to win," said Priscilla Ceballos, the little girl's mother. "We did whatever we could do to win."
This, apparently, is what some people are teaching their children.
Disgusting.
Friday, August 03, 2007
Are Safety Rails Really Too Much To Ask?
Because these things do happen
A belligerent assailant, a 17-year-old boy and a lack of safety rails came together with cataclysmic results yesterday, as another LRT (Light Rail Train) shoving incident took the life of Gage Jeffrey Prevost.
According to witnesses, Prevost was pushed off a terminal platform in Calgary by a 20-year-old woman with whom he'd been having an argument. He was crushed between the trains and died of massive internal injuries.
This most recent incident is far from isolated. They've happened several times in Edmonton. The most recent Edmonton incident, Chris Cassidy was pushed in front of a train by a 40-year-old man who claimed "voices" had told him to do it. He survived by squeezing up against the wall of the terminal. In 2000, Gordon Merrick pushed a 22-year-old woman in front of a train. Both men were charged with attempted murder.
And with good reason. Not many people win collisions with trains. In fact, the last time anyone checked, no one does.
The fact that remains is that neither Edmonton nor Calgary LRT systems have practiced due diligence. Safety rails in LRT terminals are actually an extremely inexpensive method of preventing these incidents.
They would make stopping the trains a little more difficult (operators would now have to stop the trains in precise locations), but in this most recent incident in Calgary, such rails would literally have saved a life.
That's an infantessimal price to pay, all things considered.
A belligerent assailant, a 17-year-old boy and a lack of safety rails came together with cataclysmic results yesterday, as another LRT (Light Rail Train) shoving incident took the life of Gage Jeffrey Prevost.
According to witnesses, Prevost was pushed off a terminal platform in Calgary by a 20-year-old woman with whom he'd been having an argument. He was crushed between the trains and died of massive internal injuries.
This most recent incident is far from isolated. They've happened several times in Edmonton. The most recent Edmonton incident, Chris Cassidy was pushed in front of a train by a 40-year-old man who claimed "voices" had told him to do it. He survived by squeezing up against the wall of the terminal. In 2000, Gordon Merrick pushed a 22-year-old woman in front of a train. Both men were charged with attempted murder.
And with good reason. Not many people win collisions with trains. In fact, the last time anyone checked, no one does.
The fact that remains is that neither Edmonton nor Calgary LRT systems have practiced due diligence. Safety rails in LRT terminals are actually an extremely inexpensive method of preventing these incidents.
They would make stopping the trains a little more difficult (operators would now have to stop the trains in precise locations), but in this most recent incident in Calgary, such rails would literally have saved a life.
That's an infantessimal price to pay, all things considered.
Monday, May 07, 2007
What the Fuck!? Files Vol.2 - American Defence Contractors Apparently Retarded
American Defense Contractors Watching Too Many Bad Bond Flicks
In the most recent event in the chronicle of US security-inspired lunacy, it has been revealed that Canadian quarters are not outfitted as espionage devices.
In other words -- Canada is not spying on the US.
Duh.
The story revolves around quarters released by the Canadian mint in 2004, with a coloured poppy in the center, to commemorate Remembrance Day. After discovering the coins in their pockets after a trip to Canada (quelle suprise!), the military contractors in question resorted to examining the quarters under a high-powered microscope, after deciding the coin's centre looked like it might be some sort of nano-technology.
You read it here: a nano-technology gap has emerged between the United States and Canada. In case of a Borg attack, the United States will be right royally fucked.
In 2004, the mind produced 30 million of these coins. In the eyes of paranoid military contractors, that's 30 million nanite coins just waiting to be smuggled into Area 51 -- or something.
But Cindy McGovern, a spokesperson for the Defence Security Service, has the whole matter cased. "We know where we made the mistake. The information wasn't properly vetted. While these coins aroused suspicion, there ultimately was nothing there."
No shit, sherlock.
But this isn't an isolated case of security-inspired lunacy in the United States. In February, LED signs promoting Turner Broadcasting's Aqua Teen Hunger Force were somehow mistaken for bombs. (Apparently, whoever reported the devices weren't Adult Swim watchers).
So, this is clearly a case for the "What the fuck!?" files. While the Department of Homeland security keeps cranking up the terror-alert warning over potential attacks from Osama bin Laden, Americans are shitting their collective pants over Igningot, Err and Canadian Quarters.
What the fuck...
In the most recent event in the chronicle of US security-inspired lunacy, it has been revealed that Canadian quarters are not outfitted as espionage devices.
In other words -- Canada is not spying on the US.
Duh.
The story revolves around quarters released by the Canadian mint in 2004, with a coloured poppy in the center, to commemorate Remembrance Day. After discovering the coins in their pockets after a trip to Canada (quelle suprise!), the military contractors in question resorted to examining the quarters under a high-powered microscope, after deciding the coin's centre looked like it might be some sort of nano-technology.
You read it here: a nano-technology gap has emerged between the United States and Canada. In case of a Borg attack, the United States will be right royally fucked.
In 2004, the mind produced 30 million of these coins. In the eyes of paranoid military contractors, that's 30 million nanite coins just waiting to be smuggled into Area 51 -- or something.
But Cindy McGovern, a spokesperson for the Defence Security Service, has the whole matter cased. "We know where we made the mistake. The information wasn't properly vetted. While these coins aroused suspicion, there ultimately was nothing there."
No shit, sherlock.
But this isn't an isolated case of security-inspired lunacy in the United States. In February, LED signs promoting Turner Broadcasting's Aqua Teen Hunger Force were somehow mistaken for bombs. (Apparently, whoever reported the devices weren't Adult Swim watchers).
So, this is clearly a case for the "What the fuck!?" files. While the Department of Homeland security keeps cranking up the terror-alert warning over potential attacks from Osama bin Laden, Americans are shitting their collective pants over Igningot, Err and Canadian Quarters.
What the fuck...
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Hockey Fans Should Be Hit With 5, 10 and a Game
Many people unhappy with violence and chaos
News flash.
A lot of people are excited about the Edmonton Oilers advancing to the Stanley Cup final. I'm one of them.
With a 2-1 victory over the Anaheim Mighty Ducks on Saturday, the Oilers will play for the Stanley Cup for the first time in 16 years. The last time they did so, in 1990, they defeated the Boston Bruins to claim hockey's highest prize. This is something that hockey fans in Edmonton have been waiting for all too long, and it is the first great triumph of the new NHL.
Unfortunately, there is something happening that is far less than a triumph -- that is the atrocious behavior of hockey fans celebrating on Whyte Avenue.
Dubbled "the Blue Mile" by national media (the Blue and Whyte Ave by fans), Edmonton's landmark Whyte Avenue has been ground zero for the raucus celebrations following each Oilers win. However, what began quite nicely during the Edmonton/Detroit series has quickly become a nightmare for many denizens of the area -- including, but not limited to, local residents and business owners.
During what can only truly be described as a riot following the key Oilers win on Saturday, up to 20,000 fans lit bonfires in the street, jumped from buildings into trees, and kicked in the doors and windows of hapless Whyte Avenue businesses.
Shamefully, the vandalism of Whyte Avenue businesses has been a common occurance during the post-game celebrations this postseason. Estimates place the clean up cost at $1,500 to $2,000 after each celebration. This is for the street alone -- it doesn't include repairs to local businesses.
The Edmonton Police Service is now responding in kind. Police Chief Mike Boyd has promised a "get-tough" strategy for dealing with these hooligans -- likely one that can't help but involve riot police.He has even noted that police do have the option of declaring martial law and calling in the army to help pacify any crowd that develops.
It's a very sad day for the city of Edmonton, and for Edmonton Oilers fandom, when the option of setting the army loose upon a post-game celebration would even be entertained by the authorities. And the authorities are not to blame for this.
It's the fans.
Certainly, not all the fans. Hopefully, it's only a minority of bandwagon-jumpers who think they've found a good excuse to tear up local streets in search of a macho thrill. Nonetheless, there is simply no where else to point the finger of blame in this matter, and sadly, the blame fits.
For their part, the Oilers themselves don't approve. " It's sad to see some of the incidents that happened," forward Georges Laraque announced. " I hope it won't come to the point that it will ruin everyone's celebration. [Hooligans] don't respect our ethics or our morals and our pride in the city."
Ryan Smyth only wants to see some sanity. " Obviously we would like everybody to be safe and have fun, but be responsible too."
The Oilers aren't alone in their concern. The Edmonton Sun letters page has been filled with angry statements about the violence. " I had better not be stopped from celebrating an Oilers [Stanley Cup win] because of you drunken vandals," wrote Dustin Bell. "Just because you're too young or too stupid to understand that drinking doesn't mean you have to bust up Whyte Avenue doesn't mean you have the right to take away my chance to celebrate with friends and strangers and cheer on the Oilers. It is as smart has having your friends burn down your house because it is your birthday."
Then again, such behavior is nothing new for Edmonton hockey fans. Following the 1990 Stanley Cup victory, the riot that occurred in Edmonton made headlines across the country.
Nor is it anything new for Albertan hockey fans in general: during 2004's legendary Red Mile celebrations in Calgary, public urination and defecation posed serious problems for law enforcement. During this year's celebrations, numerous fans were arrested for hurling objects at police officers.
But just as Oilers fans have set the bar higher inside the arena, they have done the same in the street. Following the Oilers May 12th elimination of the San Jose Sharks, two fans were stabbed in a Whyte Avenue bar. Partiers in the street blocked an ambulance from accessing the scene, forcing police to remove the victims by cruiser.
What is happening on Whyte Avenue is entirely unacceptable. Just as a line was crossed with the infamous 2001 Canada Day riot, so has it been crossed with this. Sadly, it may take an overhand right from Georges Laraque -- or maybe even Dave Semenko himself -- to smarten some of these idiots up.
News flash.
A lot of people are excited about the Edmonton Oilers advancing to the Stanley Cup final. I'm one of them.
With a 2-1 victory over the Anaheim Mighty Ducks on Saturday, the Oilers will play for the Stanley Cup for the first time in 16 years. The last time they did so, in 1990, they defeated the Boston Bruins to claim hockey's highest prize. This is something that hockey fans in Edmonton have been waiting for all too long, and it is the first great triumph of the new NHL.
Unfortunately, there is something happening that is far less than a triumph -- that is the atrocious behavior of hockey fans celebrating on Whyte Avenue.
Dubbled "the Blue Mile" by national media (the Blue and Whyte Ave by fans), Edmonton's landmark Whyte Avenue has been ground zero for the raucus celebrations following each Oilers win. However, what began quite nicely during the Edmonton/Detroit series has quickly become a nightmare for many denizens of the area -- including, but not limited to, local residents and business owners.
During what can only truly be described as a riot following the key Oilers win on Saturday, up to 20,000 fans lit bonfires in the street, jumped from buildings into trees, and kicked in the doors and windows of hapless Whyte Avenue businesses.
Shamefully, the vandalism of Whyte Avenue businesses has been a common occurance during the post-game celebrations this postseason. Estimates place the clean up cost at $1,500 to $2,000 after each celebration. This is for the street alone -- it doesn't include repairs to local businesses.
The Edmonton Police Service is now responding in kind. Police Chief Mike Boyd has promised a "get-tough" strategy for dealing with these hooligans -- likely one that can't help but involve riot police.He has even noted that police do have the option of declaring martial law and calling in the army to help pacify any crowd that develops.
It's a very sad day for the city of Edmonton, and for Edmonton Oilers fandom, when the option of setting the army loose upon a post-game celebration would even be entertained by the authorities. And the authorities are not to blame for this.
It's the fans.
Certainly, not all the fans. Hopefully, it's only a minority of bandwagon-jumpers who think they've found a good excuse to tear up local streets in search of a macho thrill. Nonetheless, there is simply no where else to point the finger of blame in this matter, and sadly, the blame fits.
For their part, the Oilers themselves don't approve. " It's sad to see some of the incidents that happened," forward Georges Laraque announced. " I hope it won't come to the point that it will ruin everyone's celebration. [Hooligans] don't respect our ethics or our morals and our pride in the city."
Ryan Smyth only wants to see some sanity. " Obviously we would like everybody to be safe and have fun, but be responsible too."
The Oilers aren't alone in their concern. The Edmonton Sun letters page has been filled with angry statements about the violence. " I had better not be stopped from celebrating an Oilers [Stanley Cup win] because of you drunken vandals," wrote Dustin Bell. "Just because you're too young or too stupid to understand that drinking doesn't mean you have to bust up Whyte Avenue doesn't mean you have the right to take away my chance to celebrate with friends and strangers and cheer on the Oilers. It is as smart has having your friends burn down your house because it is your birthday."
Then again, such behavior is nothing new for Edmonton hockey fans. Following the 1990 Stanley Cup victory, the riot that occurred in Edmonton made headlines across the country.
Nor is it anything new for Albertan hockey fans in general: during 2004's legendary Red Mile celebrations in Calgary, public urination and defecation posed serious problems for law enforcement. During this year's celebrations, numerous fans were arrested for hurling objects at police officers.
But just as Oilers fans have set the bar higher inside the arena, they have done the same in the street. Following the Oilers May 12th elimination of the San Jose Sharks, two fans were stabbed in a Whyte Avenue bar. Partiers in the street blocked an ambulance from accessing the scene, forcing police to remove the victims by cruiser.
What is happening on Whyte Avenue is entirely unacceptable. Just as a line was crossed with the infamous 2001 Canada Day riot, so has it been crossed with this. Sadly, it may take an overhand right from Georges Laraque -- or maybe even Dave Semenko himself -- to smarten some of these idiots up.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Stalking Celebrities for Fun and Profit
Over the years, some would argue that the city of Edmonton has garnered itself a reputation for being more than a little unexciting – perhaps even dreary.
So one could imagine the exhilaration inspired by the recent presence of two of the world’s top film stars – Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – would be a welcome change from the typical Edmonton doldrums.
The excitement reached a fever pitch this past Wednesday, as a day trip for the two (as well as Jolie’s adopted children) to West Edmonton Mall stirred up a fervor, in which a number of people took the liberty of snapping poor-quality photos of the two stars.
It seems to me the school girlish excitement these people are expressing is a little sad and/or pathetic. It’s not much unlike the people who brag that AC/DC once passed through their hometown on a bus – although, the idea of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie driving a bus through West Edmonton Mall is clearly awesome.
Look at it this way: you’re boasting that you saw Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in a /shopping mall/. Did you approach them? Talk to them? Sleep with either one of them (excellent!)? Sleep with both of them (hot!!)? With Angelina’s adopted Cambodian children in the room with you (awkward!!!)?
No? Then, clearly you suck. Years from now, when you’re bouncing your grandchildren on your knee, imagine how sad it will be that the best story you can tell them is that you once stalked two (likely long-deceased) movie stars that they probably will have never heard of.
If anything, the presence of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in our fair city has merely allowed the residents of said fair city to go nuts paparazzi-style. And while I’ll be the first to admit the $50,000 bounty placed upon Pitt and Jolie by local radio stations prompted me to take to the streets with a giant fish net and a roll of duct tape, I’ll have you know that was purely for sadistic reasons.
Because truly celebrities deserve to be hunted down like animals; if not with a chloroform-soaked rag, then surely with a cellphone camera. And certainly we don’t feel an ounce of empathy for Jolie as she attempts to rush her child out of the lascivious view of a camera lens. After all, I belive it was Homer Simpson who said: “celebrities must realize that we own them.” Certainly, their children are a bonus.
Then again, who could resist the thrill of capturing two of the world’s most enchanting celebrities in one of the world’s most sensational settings? Surely, the opportunity to photograph Brad Pitt at the fabulous Wok Box must not be missed. To do so would be a crime against glamour.
But why stop at merely photographing these two celebrities? You haven’t truly lived the paparazzi lifestyle until you’ve hounded them down the Whitemud in a perilous high-speed chase. Although, when you actually pass Georges Laraque, it should become clear you’ve taken it a little too far.
So one could imagine the exhilaration inspired by the recent presence of two of the world’s top film stars – Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – would be a welcome change from the typical Edmonton doldrums.
The excitement reached a fever pitch this past Wednesday, as a day trip for the two (as well as Jolie’s adopted children) to West Edmonton Mall stirred up a fervor, in which a number of people took the liberty of snapping poor-quality photos of the two stars.
It seems to me the school girlish excitement these people are expressing is a little sad and/or pathetic. It’s not much unlike the people who brag that AC/DC once passed through their hometown on a bus – although, the idea of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie driving a bus through West Edmonton Mall is clearly awesome.
Look at it this way: you’re boasting that you saw Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in a /shopping mall/. Did you approach them? Talk to them? Sleep with either one of them (excellent!)? Sleep with both of them (hot!!)? With Angelina’s adopted Cambodian children in the room with you (awkward!!!)?
No? Then, clearly you suck. Years from now, when you’re bouncing your grandchildren on your knee, imagine how sad it will be that the best story you can tell them is that you once stalked two (likely long-deceased) movie stars that they probably will have never heard of.
If anything, the presence of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in our fair city has merely allowed the residents of said fair city to go nuts paparazzi-style. And while I’ll be the first to admit the $50,000 bounty placed upon Pitt and Jolie by local radio stations prompted me to take to the streets with a giant fish net and a roll of duct tape, I’ll have you know that was purely for sadistic reasons.
Because truly celebrities deserve to be hunted down like animals; if not with a chloroform-soaked rag, then surely with a cellphone camera. And certainly we don’t feel an ounce of empathy for Jolie as she attempts to rush her child out of the lascivious view of a camera lens. After all, I belive it was Homer Simpson who said: “celebrities must realize that we own them.” Certainly, their children are a bonus.
Then again, who could resist the thrill of capturing two of the world’s most enchanting celebrities in one of the world’s most sensational settings? Surely, the opportunity to photograph Brad Pitt at the fabulous Wok Box must not be missed. To do so would be a crime against glamour.
But why stop at merely photographing these two celebrities? You haven’t truly lived the paparazzi lifestyle until you’ve hounded them down the Whitemud in a perilous high-speed chase. Although, when you actually pass Georges Laraque, it should become clear you’ve taken it a little too far.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Flush the Goddamn Toilet
Or I Will Hurt You
There once was a time when going to the bathroom was much simpler. You’d simply walk outdoors, trudge through the six feet of snow separating you from the outhouse, and do your business; and aside from the whole holding your breath thing, it was all good.
Ah, the good old days.
Well, maybe "old" fits more so than "good", but that’s a matter of opinion.
Times sure have changed. Today, miraculous advancements in the technology of indoor plumbing have provided us with sanitary convenience that is nothing short of astounding. Now, we in the western world (and Japan, probably, and China
maybe) are blessed with waste repositories that will dispose of our waste (both number one AND two) for us, thus eliminating the typical life-strangling stench anyone who has ever been camping (real camping, sans creature comfort-laden Winnebago) is familiar with.
Proper use of toilet facilities is a skill that is so important for day-to-day life that children are taught this skill very early in life.
Which, kids, brings us to the point of this little tirade: flush the frickin’ toilet. Two year olds the world over master this little trick every day, thus making it hard to believe university students – the alleged would-be elite of our society – cannot manage it.
Maybe this is more of an issue regarding the guys than the gals – although the "potty posse" phenomenon continues to astound males the world over.
This little aversion to toilet flushing might be considered sad, or perhaps even tragic, if it wasn’t so utterly pathetic – and disgusting. Surely, there is nothing that delights a man more than going to the toilet to find its previous user has left him a little "gift".
It seems disturbingly like some sort of frat-boy prank gone horribly too far, and like most frat-boy jokes, it isn’t funny. Sure, everyone likes a little potty humor every now and then, but this is just too much.
Freudian psychologists might even point to behavior like this as the manifestation of an "anal expulsive personality", which is basically fancy talk for "a person having shit himself a lot as a kid". Now, doesn’t that fill you with an overwhelming sense of pride? Sure, maybe it seems "rebellious" or perhaps even "bad-ass", but given that there’s no one around to witness it, it’s simply "cowardly", not to mention "ignorant".
Believe it or not, there are people in underdeveloped countries who would love to flush that toilet. Shit, they’d love to have that toilet. After all, modern toiletries are a privilege, young man. Furthermore, some minor historical episodes such as, oh, say, the bubonic plague serve as lessons about the importance of proper sanitation. Nothing pits something into prospective quite as much as a deadly pandemic.
All kidding aside, just flush the damn toilet. It isn’t hard to do, and it just might make the next guy’s washroom experience marginally more pleasurable. Unless he has one of those shit fetishes. In which case, let’s not go there.
There once was a time when going to the bathroom was much simpler. You’d simply walk outdoors, trudge through the six feet of snow separating you from the outhouse, and do your business; and aside from the whole holding your breath thing, it was all good.
Ah, the good old days.
Well, maybe "old" fits more so than "good", but that’s a matter of opinion.
Times sure have changed. Today, miraculous advancements in the technology of indoor plumbing have provided us with sanitary convenience that is nothing short of astounding. Now, we in the western world (and Japan, probably, and China
maybe) are blessed with waste repositories that will dispose of our waste (both number one AND two) for us, thus eliminating the typical life-strangling stench anyone who has ever been camping (real camping, sans creature comfort-laden Winnebago) is familiar with.
Proper use of toilet facilities is a skill that is so important for day-to-day life that children are taught this skill very early in life.
Which, kids, brings us to the point of this little tirade: flush the frickin’ toilet. Two year olds the world over master this little trick every day, thus making it hard to believe university students – the alleged would-be elite of our society – cannot manage it.
Maybe this is more of an issue regarding the guys than the gals – although the "potty posse" phenomenon continues to astound males the world over.
This little aversion to toilet flushing might be considered sad, or perhaps even tragic, if it wasn’t so utterly pathetic – and disgusting. Surely, there is nothing that delights a man more than going to the toilet to find its previous user has left him a little "gift".
It seems disturbingly like some sort of frat-boy prank gone horribly too far, and like most frat-boy jokes, it isn’t funny. Sure, everyone likes a little potty humor every now and then, but this is just too much.
Freudian psychologists might even point to behavior like this as the manifestation of an "anal expulsive personality", which is basically fancy talk for "a person having shit himself a lot as a kid". Now, doesn’t that fill you with an overwhelming sense of pride? Sure, maybe it seems "rebellious" or perhaps even "bad-ass", but given that there’s no one around to witness it, it’s simply "cowardly", not to mention "ignorant".
Believe it or not, there are people in underdeveloped countries who would love to flush that toilet. Shit, they’d love to have that toilet. After all, modern toiletries are a privilege, young man. Furthermore, some minor historical episodes such as, oh, say, the bubonic plague serve as lessons about the importance of proper sanitation. Nothing pits something into prospective quite as much as a deadly pandemic.
All kidding aside, just flush the damn toilet. It isn’t hard to do, and it just might make the next guy’s washroom experience marginally more pleasurable. Unless he has one of those shit fetishes. In which case, let’s not go there.
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