Tuesday, March 06, 2012

My Own Inconvenient Truth

Part of this is going to read like a suicide note, and there's good reason for that.

There's no sense trying to tip-toe around the fact any longer, so I'm just going to put it out in the open:

Continually, throughout the last five years, I've been suicidal. As much I wish this wasn't true, it is. It's extremely saddening to look back on five years of life lost, spending days at a time in a non-functional state. I don't know how many people who are reading this knows what it's like to make the decision whether they're going to live or die, but I've made that decision. Hundreds of times over.

How deeply and seriously did I contemplate the idea of ending my own life? In 2008 I planned how I would do it if I ever did. Having a large extended family, including -- at the time -- three nephews, I decided the best way to do it would be to just disappear. Entirely. I would destroy my wallet and any identification in it, then cut my wrists and jump off the middle of the High Level Bridge. The basic idea was to do it in winter, and hope that if my body were ever found, it would be unidentifiable.

Looking back, I realize this wasn't a spontaneous decision. An individual I frequently shared page space with at the U of A Gateway took his life the precise same way. Truthfully, I've always been mystified with it: he had the best years of his life ahead of him and, despite some mistakes he had made, his future looked like it was a very bright one. At least from where everyone else was standing. He thought differently.

For years, it has continued to mystify me: someone who seemed to have it all, who seemed to have every reason to live, who decided that he didn't want to. It's the same old story you hear all the time: it's always the ones you least expect.

The tragedy of it is actually thousandsfold. Seeing someone so gifted commit suicide makes it seem easier to make that choice yourself, particularly if you don't think of yourself as sharing those particular gifts. Maybe it seems to make suicide seem less ignoble. This, of course, is not a rational response. Suicide really never is.

Don't mistake the decision to disappear entirely if I ever did commit suicide for anything that it isn't. When you have young children in your family that weighs on your mind when making these kinds of decisions. It definitely weighed on mine. I felt it would be easier for my sister and my parents to explain to them that their Uncle Patrick had simply disappeared. Imagine explaining the suicide of a family member to your kids, grandkids, neices, nephews, what have you.

It was a naive thought. Let's face it. It wouldn't have been that hard to see through. Not to mention there was a certain element of cruelty in it that wiped out any enthusiasm for it as an alternative to a suicide replete with a note.

But the decision not to kill myself never solved the underlying problem. Or problems. It wasn't until fairly recently that "I'm not going to kill myself" literally came to mean "I want to live." That probably sounds strange, but it's how it is.

I should have started getting help five years ago when this really got bad. But admitting these kinds of things to yourself, let alone to another person, is a very daunting prospect. Intimidating, even. Sometimes the natural response to it is to just keep on acting like nothing's wrong. There's a reason why these things go undetected by others for so long. I think that's why.

Likewise, there are some things that just don't seem as large on the radar screen as they should when you're suffering from that severe a depression. Maybe the events of the last two years shouldn't have even qualified for that. But looking back on it, I've found myself incapacitated every time the opportunity came to act and take ahold of this whole, sad thing.

In a lot of ways, it's my own fault. Not getting help when it really mattered was my own fault. That's part of what being an adult is.

But being an adult is never saying you're wrong when you're right. And there is one thing that I will never accept: everything I said about Robert Peter John Day that was meant to be believed by anyone was true. The only way Canadian Cynic could realistically think otherwise is if he's started to believe his own hype. There's no default judgment in the world that can convince me otherwise. The plaintiff has had numerous opportunities to try to convince me, and he's failed. Remember this is a default judgment. And there is evidence the Ontario court did not hear. Juicy evidence. Comments from the plaintiff actually admitting to planning the crime alleged, exactly as I alleged it.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of people to whom the truth of this affair simply doesn't matter: vicious little Pavlovian zombies who salivate at the prospect of an easy meal, never realizing that they aren't even the ones eating. But they so love to see the people they hate suffer -- whether it's justly or unjustly doesn't seem to matter a whit to them -- that they salivate nonetheless.

It's nothing new. Lesser people just love to see other people suffer. I'm long past them.

In all of this, there is one thing that I am absolutely not prepared to tolerate: the idea that any person or persons can maliciously target anyone's children, and then actually profit from it simply because the whistle-blower doesn't have the resources to defend himself out-of-province.

That isn't the kind of country I want to live in, and I don't think any other proper-thinking individual does either. It's too goddamned intuitive.

The malice underlying the suit is also impossible to ignore. Consider this little tidbit, threatening emails by Cynic to a fellow blogger simply for having written about the reported details of the judgement. It seems strange that someone who has allegedly been damaged by allegedly-defamatory blogposts would not want them promptly removed.

Unless the intention is to try to inflict as much financial harm and emotional suffering as possible on an individual who has yet to actually receive the judgement pertaining to him. Then it makes a little more sense in oh so many ways.

This was a judgement which, by the way, I still have yet to ever actually see. Despite the fact that I have asked for it to be shared with me. And at the point this blogpost was written, I had yet to hear so much as a murmur from the plaintiff's counsel regarding this matter. Nor did I hear so much as a murmur from the plaintiff's counsel for months after.

Not bothering to contact the defendant seems like a strange way to serve a default judgment, doesn't it? And it's not hard to read the detail that the first time I received so much as an email from the plaintiff's Alberta counsel followed the publishing of documents indicating my intention to challenge to overturn the ruling.

I still have hope that this can be done. Where there's a will, there's a way. There has to be.

There's a lot that has to be done. The first thing that has to be done is something, like I said, that should have been done five years ago. I have to do what anyone suffering from a mental illness needs to do: get help. Which I will do at the most immediate opportunity. After that, I'm going to have to explore legal options. Sooner rather than later.

I honestly don't know how much help I can hope to receive. I'm sure a lot of people have run out of patience with me, and it's hard to blame them. To those people who I've let down, I am deeply sorry. My stubbornness and inability to face these challenges -- whether induced by depression or not -- has made for a very difficult situation for a lot of people.

Anyone still willing to help should drop me a line at ddp316@hotmail.com. I'd appreciate any thoughts anyone has to offer

But I have to start with saving my own life and take it from there. I literally do not know what lies ahead, but I do know I have to start with getting healthy.

Even if you can't help me, I at least hope you'll wish me the best.


  1. Patrick ... real sorry to hear of your troubles and the depression you are suffering from. Take the first step right away... which is to get help. You can walk into any medical clinic, no matter where you are in Canada, even without an appointment, and a doctor will see you and give a referral to the right place where you should be to get the kind of help you need.
    Do it today. DO IT NOW.

    On the issue re. CC, I remember telling you more than once to let it go. Poisonous people like CC have to be either ignored or screamed at to release one's anger at them and then we have to be in firm control of ourselves to make the decision to let it go after letting off steam. I see now that you were not in full control of your abilities at that time and continued with the battle until it wore you down. We must know when to retreat, regroup and heal. Our bodies are made of chemicals as you well know and after an emotional turmoil we need to stay calm so the chemicals find their niches once again and flow like calm rivers.
    Go get help .... you need expert help to get your chemicals unmixed and flowing like they should.

    1. Thanks, Maria, but I am not going to let this go.

      Let me explain it to you precisely how it is: CC thinks that he's entitled to do whatever he wants to us and not only get away with it, but profit from it.

      At no point is my refusal to accept that going to change.

  2. You haven't let anyone down. The important thing here is that you are seeking help, there is no shame in that, in fact you are to be commended.

    Take care, keep me abreast of your progress, we will help in any way we can.

  3. I agree with both the earlier commentors - get help immediately. Medical help initially and then, in time, legal help.

    As to Day: he'll keep. You get well and then fight whatever battle there is to fight with this lump of lefty crap.

  4. You WILL make it. There is no shame in getting help on all sides, be it advice, welfare, or what have you. If one is down, one needs to reach out. As they say, the world turns and each of us will have our day when we need to reach out. You are not alone.

  5. I sure hope you won't be using any of that commie-leftist medicare. I trust you'll pay out of pocket rather than burden the poor taxpaying citizen.

  6. My sister suffered as you do for many years, one day I found her roaming around her house in her underwear and a T-Shirt. She married a card carrying psychopath, her behavior became so extreme she scared her family to death. In the end she was diagnosed with sever depression, it's a black hole that is filled with jello as you try to climb out it sucks you back in. I hope you seek help, her life has turned around and she's on the road to recovery and happyness. I always enjoyed your comments Patrick, and if a judgement was rendered against you it would be a matter of public record at the court house.

    1. I hope your sister keeps doing well.

  7. Get well PR. Political bickering can wait. If your legal problems have precipitated the crisis that gets you some help, then you might see the situation in a very different light one day.

    1. I never thought I would come out of this with any respect for liberal supporter. I'm actually pleased to have been proven wrong.

      But I can tell you that I will never see this whole situation differently. Robert Day did something despicable, I blew the whistle, and I'm not letting it go.

  8. Wishing you the best, and some advice from one who suffered as he called it, from the black dog.

    You cannot tell from appearances how things will go. Sometimes imagination makes things out far worse than they are; yet without imagination not much can be done. Those people who are imaginative see many more dangers than perhaps exist; certainly many more than will happen; but then they must also pray to be given that extra courage to carry this far-reaching imagination. But for everyone, surely, what we have gone through in this period - I am addressing myself to the School - surely from this period of ten months this is the lesson: never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never-in nothing, great or small, large or petty - never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense

    Winston Churchill

  9. Hold on Patrick, life can be enjoyable. Depression is a heavy burden but it does get easier (I know).
    bigpicguy exemplifies everything I despise in the left. Nasty little cockroaches.

    1. It's true. They have no shame whatsoever.

  10. Please don't kill yourself. I know how hard it is to be an outcast, but you have brought a ray of light into many lives. You are not alone, and, as long ass you live, then there is hope to make things better, and to rise above all adversity.

  11. All the best Patrick. I have felt your pain in the past. At fifty my doc started me on antidepressants. I am sixty three now and still here and enjoying life. Please don't give up. Take Care and Good Luck.

  12. Patrick, suicide isn''t worth it. It only leaves people that knows you with emptiness. Don't give up.

  13. I sincerely hope you're seeing a professional about this.

    1. Gee, Paladiea. Not having as much fun as you were before?

  14. Please don't throw your life away. As you said, you have family and friends. They will help in whatever way they can and would be heart-broken thinking about underlying reasons.

    There are always good things in life.

  15. Get professional help ASAP. Drive to ER if necessary. I have suffered from depression for decades but medication, talking to someone and a support group like Emotion Anonymous can turn your life around. I may also send an email if the caprtcha won't let me through (iPad problem).

  16. Anne is correct get help immediately. I have also suffered through a severe depression with serious suicide idealization.

    There is help and hope. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem or state.

    When I was at my darkest a fiend sent me videos similar to these - it put off the thoughts of suicide - at the time, I had no faith or anything but thinking that what these people were saying could possibly be true helped me during a particularly bleak crisis.

    You need to talk to someone ASAP - your mindset is dark and you can't see any light, the exhaustion is debilitating I know, but you need to think about who would find you - the affect on your friends, family, community, loved ones and even your enemies - don't give your enemies the satisfaction. Suicide affect families for many GENERATIONS to come - your family and friends will feel responsible for your death and will blame themselves - the guilt will not ever leave them - your family members and friends will experience deep shame.

    I am so thankful you had the courage to reach out and speak the truth of your dark place. I said a prayer for you, I hope you don't mind.


  17. IF you can keep your head when all about you
    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
    If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
    But make allowance for their doubting too;
    If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
    Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
    Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
    And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

    If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
    If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
    If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
    And treat those two impostors just the same;
    If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
    Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
    And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

    If you can make one heap of all your winnings
    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
    And lose, and start again at your beginnings
    And never breathe a word about your loss;
    If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
    To serve your turn long after they are gone,
    And so hold on when there is nothing in you
    Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

    If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
    ' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
    if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
    If all men count with you, but none too much;
    If you can fill the unforgiving minute
    With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
    Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
    And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

  18. Depression is an insidious disease. Look for a doctor you can trust--sometimes it is not the first one. Be healthy, walk outdoors, eat well--when your body is run down depression grows strong. Find a good friend~try not to be alone.

    Most of all, realize that your friends and family would be devastated without you. People care more than you can imagine. Ignore the a$$holes.

    Life will always have black pits, but remember, eventually you will climb out and see the sun shine again, the trick is to never give up. I wish you all the very best, you will be in my prayers.

    1. It's not how often you fall down, it's what you do when you get back up, right?

  19. Anonymous2:41 PM

    Patrick, please follow through in your effort to get help, an please try to confide in someone close on your situation - you can never have too little support in a situation like this.

    Also, you may seek some solace in the fact the person who is trying to reap so much hurt on you (@canadiancynic/@rpjday) is himself an unaccomplished "software tester" pushing 60 (and with a university education!) so you can understand the pent-up anger he must have. I'm sure he's left a few relationships in flames as well. Blogging is all he has left, and his reputation means he'll never have credibility in politics. So if any lesson can be learned, avoid his M.O.

    Take care.

    1. Oh, dear. Are you suggesting he's never amounted to anything? Let's try not to emulate the self-styled live-in Vice Principal of the blogosphere/twitterverse.


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