Wednesday, May 09, 2007

The Injustice of it All: Paris Hilton is Going to Jail

Boo Fuckin' Hoo

Ah, the life of a Hollywood socialite. Awesome parties, excitement, sex, drugs, rock & roll, prison...

...Well, for Paris Hilton, at least.

Yep. Paris Hilton is going to jail. But farbeit for her to go quietly, with some dignity. Nope, she's going to kick, scream, whine, complain and cry the whole way. Apparently, the rest of us are supposed to feel sorry for her.

For anyone following the supermarket tabloids or late-nite "infotainment" programming, the situation facing Paris Hilton has become quite familiar indeed.

The rest of us care far, far less -- or at least should.

Hilton not only blew her second chance, when she was caught driving on a suspended licence after being released on probation following a September 7, 2006 DUI charge, but she also blew her third chance, after being released on her own recognizance.

This, of course, hasn't stopped Hilton from whining. "I feel that I was treated unfairly and that the sentence is both cruel and unwarranted," Hilton complained, while Shanna Moakler stood behind her, playing the world's smallest violin.

In kind, the douchebags of the world have responded, starting an online petition to "FREE PARIS HILTON", noting "she provides hope for young people all over the US and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives."

Hoo boy.

I personally shudder to imagine how dismal and bleak the life of anyone who depends on Paris Hilton for inspiration must be.

The site also insists that Hilton is "notable for her leading roles on the FOX reality series The Simple Life and the remake of the Vincent Price horror classic House of Wax. In addition to her work as an actress, she has achieved some recognition as a model, celebrity spokesperson, singer, and writer."

Feel free to vomit at your own discretion.

Apparently, there are people in the world who are stupid enough to think that Paris Hilton's position in society is the result of whatever talents she has, instead of a fortuitous birth to one of the world's richest men, coupled with the equally fortuitous genes provided by his equally fortuitous trophy wife.

Poor baby. Apparently, we're supposed to feel sorry for her somehow. Maybe she's too pretty for the Century Regional Detention Center", where the inmates will pass her around like a bag of Oreos.

That is, if she wasn't going to be kept in segregated confinement. Knowing Paris Hilton, though, she'd just videotape any molestation and "leak" the tape onto the internet to make herself even more money.


Fortunately, Arnold Schwarzenegger isn't going for it. "We'll treat this as we would any other case of this nature," a spokesperson for the govenah's office announced.

In other words: in absence of a judicial miracle in a court of appeal, Paris Hilton is going to jail.

It's almost like the old Jimmy Stewart movie: every time a dumb bitch learns she can't take a free ride through life just because she's really pretty, an angel gets its wings.

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