Stalking Celebrities for Fun and Profit

Over the years, some would argue that the city of Edmonton has garnered itself a reputation for being more than a little unexciting – perhaps even dreary.

So one could imagine the exhilaration inspired by the recent presence of two of the world’s top film stars – Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – would be a welcome change from the typical Edmonton doldrums.

The excitement reached a fever pitch this past Wednesday, as a day trip for the two (as well as Jolie’s adopted children) to West Edmonton Mall stirred up a fervor, in which a number of people took the liberty of snapping poor-quality photos of the two stars.

It seems to me the school girlish excitement these people are expressing is a little sad and/or pathetic. It’s not much unlike the people who brag that AC/DC once passed through their hometown on a bus – although, the idea of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie driving a bus through West Edmonton Mall is clearly awesome.

Look at it this way: you’re boasting that you saw Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in a /shopping mall/. Did you approach them? Talk to them? Sleep with either one of them (excellent!)? Sleep with both of them (hot!!)? With Angelina’s adopted Cambodian children in the room with you (awkward!!!)?

No? Then, clearly you suck. Years from now, when you’re bouncing your grandchildren on your knee, imagine how sad it will be that the best story you can tell them is that you once stalked two (likely long-deceased) movie stars that they probably will have never heard of.

If anything, the presence of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in our fair city has merely allowed the residents of said fair city to go nuts paparazzi-style. And while I’ll be the first to admit the $50,000 bounty placed upon Pitt and Jolie by local radio stations prompted me to take to the streets with a giant fish net and a roll of duct tape, I’ll have you know that was purely for sadistic reasons.

Because truly celebrities deserve to be hunted down like animals; if not with a chloroform-soaked rag, then surely with a cellphone camera. And certainly we don’t feel an ounce of empathy for Jolie as she attempts to rush her child out of the lascivious view of a camera lens. After all, I belive it was Homer Simpson who said: “celebrities must realize that we own them.” Certainly, their children are a bonus.

Then again, who could resist the thrill of capturing two of the world’s most enchanting celebrities in one of the world’s most sensational settings? Surely, the opportunity to photograph Brad Pitt at the fabulous Wok Box must not be missed. To do so would be a crime against glamour.

But why stop at merely photographing these two celebrities? You haven’t truly lived the paparazzi lifestyle until you’ve hounded them down the Whitemud in a perilous high-speed chase. Although, when you actually pass Georges Laraque, it should become clear you’ve taken it a little too far.